How Lucky Am I?

How Lucky Am I? is a question I asked myself several times; I still ask myself this as I am still in shock over a year later that I have a daughter. It took me weeks to say that “I have a daughter.” I could say that I had a baby, but words like “daughter” and “mom” felt foreign to me. I struggled to accept it simply because I had prepared myself for failure.

In my early 20s, I struggled with endometriosis, which led to an ovary and fallopian tube removal. At the time, I didn’t think much of it. I went to college, joined the Army, got married, and life was great. Four years into my marriage, we decided to create a family. I felt the weight of the world fall on me as I instantly knew my journey to parenthood would start with challenges. My remaining ovary that I completely dismissed in my 20s was now all I could focus on. Would it be enough? Should I have done this sooner? Did I not ask enough questions before my surgery over a decade ago?

Sadly, my fears were valid. 

I knew nothing about IVF at the time, but after the first round, I was ready to give up. I felt defeated because I had very few follicles and my hormone levels were low. I felt inadequate, I felt less than, and I felt that continuing would be selfish as this came at a hefty financial cost. Nevertheless, we agreed we would try three times. The second round yielded the same result. It was at that moment I gave up. I mentally told myself it was not in my cards; I was working to make peace with it while agreeing to the final round.

I did the third round with very little medication, and to my surprise, we ended up with three healthy embryos. One failed implantation later, and we are pregnant! We told no one, no one knew about the year-long IVF process, and as soon as it was a confirmed pregnancy, I wanted to yell it to the world! I had secretly already started looking into other options, and because the process had broken my spirits, I did not consider the possibility of this working. I sat and just looked around; we have a child on the way!

I still remember the joy that came over me when I heard her heartbeat for the first time. It was the best sound I have ever heard; it was melodic, and hearing her heart, instantly made my heart grow. I was nervous every day and every minute of our pregnancy. I don’t know if I still carried my fears from IVF or if it was new parent worries, it possible it was both, but for some reason I could not accept this was real.

Going through this process it dawned on me that my situation was not unique; I was not the first person to have endometriosis or go through IVF. It was around the time she started to kick that I became overcome with gratitude. I had been looking at this all wrong. I am lucky! I began to step away from my fear and walk in a more positive and appreciative spirit. I had to start being thankful for each day and enjoy the stage I was in. 

Nine months later, I finally got to hold the daughter I never thought I would have. I was and still am a ball of emotions when I look at her. How Lucky Am I? is the only way I can describe how grateful I am for this precious gift. The gift of parenthood, the gift of a child, and the gift of love that she gives me. Where I once felt inadequate, looking into her eyes, I now feel complete. How Lucky Am I? is just a book, but it is my prayer that one day my daughter will look back and view it as my love note to her.